While I was falling asleep I randomly began to say these words in my head.

"valoir et toux"

What does that mean?

Translated it to “submitted and cough”

I made a poem in my head before I looked it up.
I should write it down.

Valoir et toux
Bumped into and hugged me
On a busy street
Held me like a breath
Or a mother holding her first born
I let the warmth take over me
Then he was gone
Valoir et toux

What the fuck does that even mean? I’m sick as fuck randomly thinking of French words that don’t mean anything together. And then writing poems about them. Goodnight.

You know what…

I have no idea what I want right now. Sometimes it feels right… It really FEELS right. Other times it feels like I’m in it for the wrong reasons. I guess the problem is that after you’ve been with someone that has a lot and then you move on to someone who doesn’t have as much… It’s different. Takes some adjusting.

I don’t like to ever feel too comfortable in relationships. “Claiming” doesn’t feel good to me. So WHAT you got me. Now what? I never liked titles. I throw them around when needed but overall… No.

I also don’t believe in the whole “chilling” phase. Nah. I understand you’ve been together for a while… But I don’t want to be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship. If we’re together we’re going to do things.

Dating is so important to me. Once you “have” me don’t give up. Posting me on social media? I don’t give a flying fuck.

If you aren’t doing what you’re supposed to be doing why bother?! I can chill by my own damn self.

I need to vent real quick…

Alright so. I’m HIGHKEY tired of bum ass “men” trying to seem masculine. I’m still trying to figure out how one’s ego could be so big that they think people are stressing over them and better yet thinking that they are correct just because they stated something that they believe is the ONLY answer. The fact that they get so riled up over something so petty and insignificant blows my mind. How do these men deserve or even have the ability to be in relationships? I’m so taken aback by these men. I’m confused, saddened, and honestly embarrassed that people think this way. You rather not accept your wrongness but instead try to break down your opposer because they made you feel inferior. That is not strong. That is not cute. That is cowardly. Your ego is making you look weak. You ARE weak. You are no better than anyone else. Accept it.

One of my close friends made a tweet about how he didn’t have money to get to school tomorrow. Not knowing what to do I tweeted back and said, “I really wish I could help.” One of my followers, after seeing my tweet, asked him how he got to school and if he had a paypal. She doesn’t even know him. Next thing I know he texts me saying that she’d sent $15 to him. I didn’t know how to even use paypal. But as soon as I got that text I sat right on up, logged into my computer, figured it out, and sent money his way too. I don’t know. My heart is so warm right now. I mean. I love that boy. And to think a stranger took time out of her day to make sure he was okay… man. My faith in humanity has been slightly restored. I don’t know. 

Fuck all of this. Fuck being attacked and questioned everyday. Fuck people judging me for not being like them and living up to their expectations. I’m done with this shit. I’m tired of having to impress people. Whether it be a peer or a family member. I’m tired of people saying I affect them when I live for me. My feelings are always valid whether you agree with me or not. STOP. Don’t talk to me if you don’t like me. Don’t interact with me if I affect you. Kick me out of your house if you don’t want to live with me. But what you will not do is make me feel like shit because I don’t live up to YOUR standards. Fuck allat. I’m tired of it. You force me enough and I won’t ever come back. Bet. 


I was told to be patient. Say no. Don’t let them treat you that way. Can’t they just treat me right? Why do I have to do all of the work? I didn’t ask for ‘Em.

The men and women I’ve encountered over the past year are so pathetic. I hate hypocrites… I HATE WHEN PEOPLE LIE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT. I don’t deserve any of what’s happened over the past few months. From horrible friendships, to depression, to sickness. “You attract what you put out” bullshit. Anyone that knows me knows how great of a person I am. Yet I attract people who don’t want to do anything but pretend to like me. Don’t talk to me if you’re only attracted to the physical. Don’t talk to me because you know I’m loyal. Don’t be my friend because you know I’ll protect you. NO. I do not want to have sex with you, you animals. Find someone else to be your fuckbuddy. NO. I do not want to go out with you to parties and make sure you don’t get too wasted. NO. I do not want to sit in the house all day and text you.

If we can’t even hold a conversation what makes you think you would ever be considered as a partner? If you don’t respect yourself what makes you think I have to teach you how to? If you don’t want to make any effort to see me, why would you think I would? I’m going to need everyone to grow the FUCK up. I’m tired of playing mommy. This is why I reject so many people on the regular. This is why I rather surround myself with people who respect themselves and are independent and grown. I can’t deal with this “sideline” “friends with benefits” “what is a relationship?” “Oooo girl let me tell you” generation. I need intimacy, I need focus, I need goal oriented, I need serious, I need honest, I need REAL, I need help. This is why I’ve been alone trying to get my shit together. I don’t have time or energy to invest in people whose only purpose is to benefit themselves. No, no, no. Ask me if I care. NOPE.

I write in the middle of the night because I can. I like that I have the freedom to let my words flow. I don’t always have to use the correct punctuation I can write a sentence into a paragraph and no one could stop me. I can say things only I’ll understand. And it’s frustrating when people don’t understand that their opinions don’t matter when it comes to my thoughts. If I wanted a dialog I would ask a specific someone. If you relate to my cluttered chaos in the middle of the night that’s fine. Do you. But I choose to be this way. I don’t force my ways on anyone so all I ask is that this can be my one place to speak MY mind. Because I’ve cut out the middle man. It’s just me and my words now.

I’m so pissed off at the fact that I’m young. It sucks that my age limits me. I feel like I fall in love with everything old. I just want it all now. The house, the dream, the man, the life. Every time I go out I always find myself gravitating towards the older crowd. I like to talk about REAL issues. I don’t want to talk about drama. I make connections with people who matter. I’m already there. So what if I don’t fit the mold. So what if my body hasn’t caught up with my mind. I just want to live. I should have been allowed to struggle while I was younger so I could be better prepared for the life I want to live. So many things have been done for me that I should’ve done myself. I only know how to learn the hard way.

Oh what I would give to have time. Enough time to build the bond I built with you… With someone else. But that’s not something that can happen in a few moments. We took months… And years. But I just need that again and I don’t have the patience… I mean time… I mean I don’t know when it’ll ever happen again.

My only wish is to sleep and enjoy it. Somehow my dreams have ruined my one happy place. Lol. Oh how I miss good sleep.

I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. It’s crazy to think it only takes a moment to completely lose what makes you YOU. I hate to complain but I really can’t enjoy the simplicity in life and that bothers me. The fact that I can’t enjoy being out for more than a few hours before I’m in pain and tired again. It fucking sucks. To feel like everything is better just to walk outside and fall apart. I just want to have a good time. I just want to enjoy my summer. But now all I feel “good” doing is sleeping. That’s depressing… Really depressing. I’m literally taking baby steps just to be normal again. And the worst part is people think it’s a joke. I know I’m goofy and I used to laugh all the time but… Life right now is not funny. Watching everyone go to work everyday and party and hangout with their friends… Meanwhile I’m taking pictures of my salad on Instagram (I actually did that). I’m sad all the time and because of it I’m no longer able to attract the people who I really would love to know and hangout with right now while I’m getting better. I’m having a hard time enjoying life and that bothers me and the worst part is that this could have all been avoided.

I miss the feeling of holding a camera.

I’m not allowed to take pictures for a week the doctor said… Do you know how that feels to a photographer? To tell me I’m restricted from doing something I love - I’m not allowed to go to work… I can’t see my kids at work and that was one of the only things I was excited about this summer. I’m just… Tired. Of being sick and feeling helpless. Tired. At least I’m not in the hospital anymore. But shit… I don’t even have friends to do anything with or to come and visit me or something to wake up and feel happy about. I’m just sore and in pain. What’s that point at this point?

I’m going to be the female 40 year old virgin. Except I’ll be like 26 because I kinda want kids… But you get the point.