$$

The men and women I’ve encountered over the past year are so pathetic. I hate hypocrites… I HATE WHEN PEOPLE LIE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT. I don’t deserve any of what’s happened over the past few months. From horrible friendships, to depression, to sickness. “You attract what you put out” bullshit. Anyone that knows me knows how great of a person I am. Yet I attract people who don’t want to do anything but pretend to like me. Don’t talk to me if you’re only attracted to the physical. Don’t talk to me because you know I’m loyal. Don’t be my friend because you know I’ll protect you. NO. I do not want to have sex with you, you animals. Find someone else to be your fuckbuddy. NO. I do not want to go out with you to parties and make sure you don’t get too wasted. NO. I do not want to sit in the house all day and text you.

If we can’t even hold a conversation what makes you think you would ever be considered as a partner? If you don’t respect yourself what makes you think I have to teach you how to? If you don’t want to make any effort to see me, why would you think I would? I’m going to need everyone to grow the FUCK up. I’m tired of playing mommy. This is why I reject so many people on the regular. This is why I rather surround myself with people who respect themselves and are independent and grown. I can’t deal with this “sideline” “friends with benefits” “what is a relationship?” “Oooo girl let me tell you” generation. I need intimacy, I need focus, I need goal oriented, I need serious, I need honest, I need REAL, I need help. This is why I’ve been alone trying to get my shit together. I don’t have time or energy to invest in people whose only purpose is to benefit themselves. No, no, no. Ask me if I care. NOPE.

I write in the middle of the night because I can. I like that I have the freedom to let my words flow. I don’t always have to use the correct punctuation I can write a sentence into a paragraph and no one could stop me. I can say things only I’ll understand. And it’s frustrating when people don’t understand that their opinions don’t matter when it comes to my thoughts. If I wanted a dialog I would ask a specific someone. If you relate to my cluttered chaos in the middle of the night that’s fine. Do you. But I choose to be this way. I don’t force my ways on anyone so all I ask is that this can be my one place to speak MY mind. Because I’ve cut out the middle man. It’s just me and my words now.

I’m so pissed off at the fact that I’m young. It sucks that my age limits me. I feel like I fall in love with everything old. I just want it all now. The house, the dream, the man, the life. Every time I go out I always find myself gravitating towards the older crowd. I like to talk about REAL issues. I don’t want to talk about drama. I make connections with people who matter. I’m already there. So what if I don’t fit the mold. So what if my body hasn’t caught up with my mind. I just want to live. I should have been allowed to struggle while I was younger so I could be better prepared for the life I want to live. So many things have been done for me that I should’ve done myself. I only know how to learn the hard way.

Oh what I would give to have time. Enough time to build the bond I built with you… With someone else. But that’s not something that can happen in a few moments. We took months… And years. But I just need that again and I don’t have the patience… I mean time… I mean I don’t know when it’ll ever happen again.

My only wish is to sleep and enjoy it. Somehow my dreams have ruined my one happy place. Lol. Oh how I miss good sleep.

  -  22 July

I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. It’s crazy to think it only takes a moment to completely lose what makes you YOU. I hate to complain but I really can’t enjoy the simplicity in life and that bothers me. The fact that I can’t enjoy being out for more than a few hours before I’m in pain and tired again. It fucking sucks. To feel like everything is better just to walk outside and fall apart. I just want to have a good time. I just want to enjoy my summer. But now all I feel “good” doing is sleeping. That’s depressing… Really depressing. I’m literally taking baby steps just to be normal again. And the worst part is people think it’s a joke. I know I’m goofy and I used to laugh all the time but… Life right now is not funny. Watching everyone go to work everyday and party and hangout with their friends… Meanwhile I’m taking pictures of my salad on Instagram (I actually did that). I’m sad all the time and because of it I’m no longer able to attract the people who I really would love to know and hangout with right now while I’m getting better. I’m having a hard time enjoying life and that bothers me and the worst part is that this could have all been avoided.

I miss the feeling of holding a camera.

I’m not allowed to take pictures for a week the doctor said… Do you know how that feels to a photographer? To tell me I’m restricted from doing something I love - I’m not allowed to go to work… I can’t see my kids at work and that was one of the only things I was excited about this summer. I’m just… Tired. Of being sick and feeling helpless. Tired. At least I’m not in the hospital anymore. But shit… I don’t even have friends to do anything with or to come and visit me or something to wake up and feel happy about. I’m just sore and in pain. What’s that point at this point?

I’m going to be the female 40 year old virgin. Except I’ll be like 26 because I kinda want kids… But you get the point.

wrap your arms around my mind. allow yourself to remember what i told you even when i forget. talk to me with trust and believe me even when i want to lie. i love how much you care even when i don’t want you to. it is so important for me to know that you rather touch my soul than my body. energy is stronger anyway. and your mind is more beautiful than any super model face. and i like you. and you like me. and i want to hold your heart more than i want to hold your hand. 

Please don’t lead me on if you already have someone. Why are you being so selfish? 

I give up on men right now. I need someone willing to build with me. I’m so tired of the physical attraction. I want conversation. I need someone that is actually willing to be with me because I’m worth it. I’m so tired of men claiming that I put them in the “friendzone” when that’s where the fuck you’re supposed to be. I don’t know you yet. You don’t know me! Don’t call me anything other than my NAME. Maia. Respect me! RESPECT ME. That’s all I ask for. Don’t lie. Don’t mess up and say “I’m sorry” just be there for me and do better next time. I just need consistency. Everything in my life is so temporary… just BE there. Please.

How do I put this. You… you’re like a prolonged one night stand. We know nothing about each other yet we- you try so hard to make it seem like we belong together, when in reality we are just trying to force it. You are the puzzle piece that children mistakenly force into an empty spot. It looks “good enough” and you lost the other one so why not just leave it there… but nigga you don’t belong. And I’m trying to ask myself why I put up with the sometimes nice things, no the, rarely nice things you say. And the… LOL JKs that seem to come so often… are you ever serious? I’m just wondering. The craziest part is that someone else understands me and he’s not even me and we’re not even together because he too is trying to help someone else put their puzzle together… and he too has lost the real piece and is trying to JAM the kinda-sorta-looks-right piece just too make her feel better. It’s so hard being the one… for once, who has feelings. I’ve detached from the meanness and you mistake my honesty for rudeness because you aren’t used to REAL. This is not school. I left because I didn’t want to learn… and now I have to teach you every step of the way. Our puzzle is fucked up… becuase they are two puzzles. Yours is  4 and up… while mine is for the big kids. 

Everything I do is about comfort. My clothes, food, relationships. If I don’t feel good in it, with it, or eating it… I don’t want it.

I really want to go back to being a cool kid. Normal is boring. I miss short hair, bright colors, and being cute everyday because I didn’t care about anything else other than making myself feel and look good.

Stephen is really a blessing. I love the fact that I don’t have to explain anything when I talk to him. Although we’ve been in a relationship before and we’ve grown past it… He will always be the one I run to when I need reassurance. He GETS me. It’s the best feeling in the world to have a conversation and not feel judged. I missed him so much, I literally could’ve cried. Sometimes you need someone to push the motivation and confidence back into you. We live in a stupid world. All I ask is that people like him will always exist. He gives me hope. Although we’ve had our moments… He always puts our happiness before the bullshit.