I don’t know.

Lately I’ve been craving men. It’s like I need to be: around them, held by them, spoken to by them. I feel like good men are so rare. Men that genuinely want to have a conversation with you. Men that actually look at you like you matter. I’ve been craving the company of good men to cuddle me and tell me that it’s okay. Because women tend to lie and tell you what you want to hear and I want the truth. I want to be held and told that even though it’s shitty right now it’ll get better but I have to work through it. I want one of my own, a man that looks at me like I’m not crazy, one I can stop pretending to be happy for to be looked at as a human with feelings and emotions that sometimes cause me to explode because I’ve been holding in for so long, a man-

Who cares.

I’m so bipolar when it comes to love. One minute I’ll be all over you, the next minute I’m afraid you’ll find out all my secrets I’ve worked so hard to hide. It’s a game you see. 

Shade

I’m drowning in air. Open spaces become corners in my mind, where I sit and stare at the crack in the wall, wondering how long its been there. The sun follows me, I search for shade, closed eyelids but the red still shows. Where is darkness? Where is the blackest black, that will hide me from the world. I feel as if everyone can see me. The glasses only make things clearer, but life is just a blur. I want it to blur out like the end of a movie; the reverse process of developing a photo; the disappearing act that I wish I could perform. Although feeling invisible I was told that I am cared for. Searching for reasons for why you never told me. Searching for the darkness. Searching for answers as to why the sun chose to shine on the one part of me that I could not shadow. Searching.

I’m upset.

I’m trying. It’s not working. Maybe it’s not worth it. Maybe it’s over. 

Last night…

I had the most upsetting and happy dream. And although I woke up feeling sad, the happy parts left this warm feeling that stuck with me all day. This is the first happy dream I’ve had in months. I felt good all day. But the person who made me happy in the dream, I can’t even talk to right now. It’s bittersweet. 

My views on image have changed so much throughout the years. It’s all about perspective and how you view the world and how you see yourself through others. Sometimes it just takes some time to see that you’re not as different as you think you are. We are all human and no one is perfect. No one is more beautiful than someone else. We all have something that makes us who we are no matter how hard we try to fit in or be like someone else. We were made to be ourselves. Image is what we make it. I finally stopped putting people on such high pedestals. We are all on the same level. We aren’t different in the sense that we are all human. We are only different in perspective and how we see ourselves. 

Things I love

  • food
  • showers
  • smelling good
  • music
  • food
  • food
  • …food
  • tall guys
  • short guys
  • hands
  • hugs
  • kisses
  • being loved

I had this dream last night that I went to this amazing little vintage thrift store with my little sister. It was so cute. They had all these vintage glasses, like eye glasses and the clothes were so perfect. Everything looked my size. But I didn’t have any money with me. I asked my sister if she had any money and she said she had $50. Yes my 13 year old sister is walking around with 50 bucks. Lol. And I was like, yoooo can you buy me these glasses?! PLEASE. Lol. They were sooooo perfect. But then I woke up.   

Tumblr. Step your cookies up. 

It’s funny to think that you could learn so much from someone you never thought you’d know. The fact that one conversation could branch off onto thousands more - millions of seconds later and hellos are more exciting than goodbyes. Smiles make up for words and air high fives cover the distance. You know it’s hard to think I never once thought if we’d be where we are today. It’s hard to think that your face shows up in my mind more than I see my own reflection. I don’t even look anymore. And I’m still sad, but happier than I’ve been for a while. And if one day we see each other without that screen I don’t know what I’d do.

One day…

  • I’m going to stop being mean.
  • I’m going to meet a really good guy.
  • I’m going to get to know him. 
  • I won’t judge him. 
  • He won’t judge me. 
  • I’ll let my guard down. 
  • We’ll fall in love. 
  • We’ll be happy, with and without each other. 

It’ll happen. 

Well…

I feel like the only way people can truly be in love is when they are comfortable with who they are, apart. So for me I just see love as a freeing thing. I think it’s amazing to be so open with each other. To trust each other. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love so I wouldn’t know.

I’m…

awake? I don’t know, I feel like I’m up for no reason. I feel like I want something but I don’t know what it is. I want to be in love? I want food? I want to talk to someone? Maybe a combo of all three. I don’t know. It’s a strange feeling to be awake and not know why. Hmm. Well, I’m up. 

I swear a female can’t get a break.

Always hungry. The guy I really liked bailed on me and went crazy. MAD school work. Trying to be a “good” senior, a “role model”. I stay tired. No sleep so I’ve been sick since wed. I don’t know what to do about this college stuff. I have nothing to say anymore. It’s like my creative impulses have died. Grrr, sad. 

The struggle is real…

DUDE, why are there zero attractive SINGLE males at my school? They really don’t care about us girls very much. The boys have all these beautiful women to choose from but then we just get to suffer. This is not cool. Its almost cuddling season.